 笑话幽默(Jokes
and Humor)
本栏目内容链接:
赵宝斌 编辑整理
1Fine for Parking
Tell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?"
The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地), "Because,
Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'" (note: "fine"
has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.
2.Self-help
I
went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the
counter where the self-help section was.
She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole
purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1)
you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)
3.I Couldn't Digest So Many Apples
Doctor gravely(严肃地): "If
you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink.
Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn't
digest(消化） so many apples."
4.Is
This a Question
A college student in
a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper
there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?
" A student wrote: "If that is a question, then this is
an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.
5.A Dollar Per Point
A
professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed
out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the
test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor
noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his
test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next
class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got
back his test and $64 change.
6.My
Father's Ashes
A
guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him
into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to
make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices
a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking
at it. She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She
says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get
an ashtray(烟灰缸)." (note: "ashes" has two meanings
1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding
the burned dead body.)
7.I
Drop my Weight From Skipping
Mr. Smith was terribly
overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to
eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."
When Mr. Smith returned, he
had lost
nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor
said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded.
"I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead
by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings
1) jump 2) stop doing something)
8.Now We
Run
A priest is walking down the
street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to
press a doorbell on a house across the street. However,
the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him
to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder
leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching
down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which
the boy replies, "Now we run!"
9.Pig
or Witch
A man is driving up a steep,
narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the
window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans
out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
10.Man
and Woman
Smart(精明的) man + smart woman
= romance
Smart man + dumb(愚蠢的) woman = pregnancy(怀孕)
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try
to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get
the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
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the top(回页首)
11.You
and Your Boss
When you take a long time,
you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot(蠢货).
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority（超越权限）.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative(创造性).
When you take a stand（表态）, you're being bull-headed（固执）.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked(忽略) a rule of etiquette(礼貌), you're being rude.
When your boss skips(略过) a few rules, he's being original(独创的).
When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping(拍马屁).
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative(合作).
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken
bum(耍酒疯者).
When your boss does the same, he appreciated(欣赏) women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
To
the top(回页首)
12.Love,
Lust and Marriage
LOVE - When intercourse(性交) is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax(高潮).
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
13.Before and After You fall in love
BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating(窒息)
BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative(操纵的) egomaniac(极端自我)
BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm(宿舍)
BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves(皱摺)
AFTER - I never said you were fat
BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
14.You
and Your Computer( 你和你的电脑）
It is time to reassess your relationship with your
computer when....（到了重新评价你和你的电脑的关系时候了当......)
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the
bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to
bed.(你早晨四点醒来去厕所，回卧室时去检查邮件。）
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty
feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
（当你关掉电脑时感到很遗憾，好象离开你的情人一样。）
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or
two, just for the free internet access.（你决定再在大学呆一两年，只为的是用免费因特网。）
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.（你嘲笑用28.8比特调制解调的人）
5. You start using smiles :-) in your snail mail.(你在一般的信件中，开始用微笑符号
:-))
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com （当你做文字处理时，你不由自主地在句号后面打com)
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't
have a computer.(你不能和你母亲通信，因为她没有电脑。）
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you
feel
really depressed.（当你发现信箱中没有“新邮件”时，你感到非常沮丧。）
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends
because they have nondescript screen name and
you never
bothered to ask.（你不知道你三个最好朋友的性别，因为他们在屏幕上的名字难以辨认出，而你从不想问。）
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape
before you landscape.（你搬进新家，你决定先建网景再建风景。）
15.A
Surprising Wedding Toast
"And
finally, may the happy couple lie, steal and cheat. (Pause, then
explains) May they lie in each other's arms, may they steal away
for a blissful honeymoon, and may they cheat time to live as long
as possible." (note: "lie" has two meanings "not
tell true and spread one's body on something". "steal"
has two meanings " get something from others unlawfully and
go away secretly". "cheat" has two meaning "do
something not in an honesty way and spend time idly.")
16.Learning
Language is Important
Two mice sat in their hole
watching Cat lurk(潜伏） outside. "I know how to make Cat go away,"
said the first mouse. "How?" the second mouse asked in
surprise.
"Watch! Bow, wow!!!"
barked the first mouse. Peering through their hole in the
wall, they saw Cat running away in fear.
"Ah, see how important
to learn another language!"
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the top(回页首)
17.Some Humors Between Teachers
and Students
1) TEACHER:
How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
2) TEACHER: George, go to
the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
3) TEACHER: Willy, name one
important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
4) SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are
you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
5) TEACHER: Alfred, how can
one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
6)TEACHER:
Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
7)HAROLD: Teacher, would you
punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
8)TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
9)TEACHER: I hope I didn't
see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
10)GARY: I don't think I deserve
a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
11)MOTHER: Why did you get
such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
12)SILVIA: Dad, can you write
in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
13)TEACHER: Well, at least
there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
14) TEACHER: In this box,
I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
15) HYGIENE TEACHER: How can
you prevent deseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
16) TEACHER: Ellen, give me
a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
17) TEACHER: Max, use "defeat,"
"defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense
before detail.
18) MOTHER: Why on earth did
you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
19) TEACHER: If you received
$10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
20) TEACHER: If you had one
dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars
would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
21) TEACHER(sadly):
You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
22) TEACHER: If I had seven
oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I
have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
23) BOY: Isn't the principal(校长）
a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!
24)TEACHER:
Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect
you to keep yours.
Jokes from Kids
1)NUDITY
I was
driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back-seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat
belt!"
2)HONESTY
My son
Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped
his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran
to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and
said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one
out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
3)OPINIONS
On the
first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents."
4)KETCHUP
A woman
was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child
said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the
phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
5)MORE NUDITY
A little
boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?"
6)POLICE1
While
taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes,"
I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said
if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe?"
7)POLICE 2
It was
the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got
back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, "What'd he do?"
8)ELDERLY
While
working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She
was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
9)DRESS-UP
A little
girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
10)DEATH
While
walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made
ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory
be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole
he gooooes."
10)SCHOOL
A little
girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read,
I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11)BIBLE
A little
boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look
what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got
there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
各国最佳笑话集锦
美国最佳笑话：
两个来自新泽西的猎人在森林中打猎。一个人突然倒在了地上，翻起白眼儿，停止了呼吸。同伴看到这种情况，拿起手机，给急救中心打电话。他惊慌地对值班员叫道："我的朋友死了！我怎么办？"值班员温和地说："不要紧张，别着急，我来帮助您。可是您得让我们相信，他确确实实死了。"
一片寂静……接着传来一声枪响。猎人又拿起电话，说："好了，接下来怎么办？"
英国最佳笑话：
一名妇女抱着一个孩子坐上公共汽车。司机看了一眼孩子，突然说道："我一辈子都没见过这么丑的孩子！" 气愤的妇女走到最后一排，坐下后，对旁边的一名男子说："这个司机刚才侮辱了我！"那人答道："您赶紧去找他算帐，我来替您抱这个丑猴子！……"
加拿大最佳笑话：
加拿大航天部门开始首次将宇航员送上太空，但他们很快得到报告，宇航员在失重状态下用圆珠笔根本写不出字来。于是，他们用了10年时间，花了120亿美元，科学家们终于发明了一种圆珠笔。这种笔适用于失重状态、身体倒立、水中、任何平面物体、摄氏零下300度。
而俄罗斯人在太空一直用铅笔。
德国最佳笑话：
将军发现，一个士兵举止怪异：他总是拿起一张用过的纸，看一看，然后扔到一边，同时喃喃地说道："不，要的不是这个！"将军命令心理医生给士兵看病。心理医生检查以后写道：此人有心理障碍，不宜当兵。
士兵拿起诊断书，高兴地说："对了，要的就是这个！"
澳大利亚最佳笑话：
一名妇女万般焦急地来到医院。 "大夫，快给我看看！我今天早晨醒来后，一照镜子，害怕极了，我的头发一根根立着，满脸皱纹，脸色苍白，眼球通红，看上去像个死人。我怎么啦，大夫？"
医生对病人进行了仔细的检查，然后说："嗯，我可以有把握地告诉您，您的视力完全没有问题！"
荷兰最佳笑话：
两个朋友在本地高尔夫球场打球。一个人把棒杆高高举起，正要击球，突然发现路上有一个长长的送葬队伍。他放下棒杆，闭上眼睛，祷告起来。惊讶不已的朋友说："这是我一辈子有幸看到的最感人至深的场面。你真是个名副其实的大善人！"那个人结束祷告后答道："是呀，要知道，我同她做了35年的夫妻！"
英格兰人谈论苏格兰人和爱尔兰人的3则笑话:
1. 一个爱尔兰人给旅游公司打电话："我坐飞机到伦敦将用多长时间？"办事员想看看飞机时刻表，对他说："(请等)一分钟，先生！""非常感谢！"爱尔兰人满意地答道并挂上了电话。
2. 一个苏格兰人从英格兰回到了家。家人问道："在伦敦怎么样？"苏格兰人答道："还行！就是那些英格兰人很奇怪。我住在旅馆时，他们像疯子一样在我隔壁敲了一夜墙。""那你当时干什么呢？""我没干什么！我只是吹了一夜笛子！"
3. 一个爱尔兰人前来伦敦度假，住进一家高级饭店。服务生拿起箱子，带他去房间。爱尔兰人生气地说："看着点儿！别以为我来自爱尔兰，就让我住进这么个小房间！"服务生连忙解释道："别生气，先生！这是电梯。"
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor
Laurie will not meet his classes today."
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit
of the joke, rubbed out the "l".
班和笨驴
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知："劳里教授今天不见他的班级。"
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母"c"(lass：姑娘)。
后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母"l"(ass：笨驴)。
Plagiarism
A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University
in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.
He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work."
he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.
"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.
My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also
see article on communism."
抄 袭
我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。"这不是你写的，"他说，"有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。"
"你没有证据。"那学生气急败坏地说。
我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是："也可参阅共产主义一文。"
Virtue
Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the
State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.
One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.
I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began
there as a student.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back,
and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get
that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a
virtue."
美 德
获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。
最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。"你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，"她低声说道："坚持不懈是一种美德。"
Difference
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,"
observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses
at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say,
'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon."
But the graduate students just write it down."
区 别
"研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，"在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。"我说'下午好'，本科生们回答说'下午好'。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。"
Flunking Math
My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State
University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting
his sophomore year as a psychology student.
"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer
to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important,
but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily
life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"
"And just what does this mean?" I asked.
"I'm flunking math," he replied.
数学没及格
我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。
"妈妈，"他激动地说："我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。"
"你到底是什么意思？"我问道。
"我数学没及格。"他回答说。
Part-time Job
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job
sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to
some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you
say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
业余工作
我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。
"第一天感觉如何？"我问。
"好极了，爸爸。"他答道，"我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。"
由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道："你跟他们说了些什么？"
"你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？"
Keys? Kiss?
A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult
who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing
quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various
members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and
so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested
and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when
my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the
kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing
this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly,
so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged
his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck
and kissed him on both cheeks.
钥匙还是接吻
我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说："给我钥匙。"那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍："给我钥匙。"那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。
Prepare Yourself
A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram
to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked
out of school. Prepare Pop."
Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare
yourself."
自己做好准备
校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着："妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。"
两天以后，他收到了回电："爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!"
经典幽默故事－我爱我家(Classic Humor Stories)
Millionaire
CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."
Assistant: "What were you before?"
CEO: "a multimillionaire."
百万富翁
主管人：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。
助 手：以前你是什么？
主管人：千万富翁。
A Trip to Disney
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two
children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this
attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."
迪斯尼之族
弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。
当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说："再见，美奇。"
女儿挥着手说，"再见，美妮。"
丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道："再见，美元。"
A Family Rule
Mr. and Mrs. Jones very seldom go out in the evening, but last saturday,
Mrs. Jones said to her husband, "There is a good film at the
cinema tonight. Can we go and see it?"
Mr. Jones was quite happy about it, so they went, and both of them
enjoyed the film.
They came out of the cinema at 11 o'clock, got into their car and
began driving home. It was quite dark. Then Mrs. Jones said, "Look,
Bill. A woman's running along the road very fast, and a man's running
after her. Can you see them?"
Mr. Jones said, "Yes, I can." He drove the car slowly
near the woman and said to her, "Can we help you?"
"No, thank you," the woman said, but she did not stop
running. "My husband and I always run home after the cinema,
and the last one washes the dishes at home!"
家 规
琼斯夫妇晚上很少出门，但上星期六，琼斯太太对丈夫说："电影院今晚有场好电影，我们去看好吗？"
琼斯先生很乐意，于是他们就去了。两个人都喜欢那部电影。
晚上十一点，他们从电影院出来，钻进汽车，开始驾车回家。天很黑。这时，琼斯太太说："看，比尔。一个女人在沿街狂奔，一个男人在后猛追不舍。你看到了吗？"
琼斯先生说："是的，看到了。"他慢慢把车开近那女人，说道："你需要帮忙吗？"
"不，谢谢，"女人答道，但她没有放慢速度，"我丈夫跟我在看完电影后，经常跑步回家，后到家的洗碗涮碟。"
An Old Couple's Quarrel
A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local
magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame
of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willing," said the other.
"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be there."
"And I'll law the hell!"
"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.
老夫妻吵架
一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵，一直闹到地方法官那里。败诉的一方以一种临战的姿态冲着对方嚷道："我要到巡回法庭去告你。"
"愿意奉陪。"另一个说。
"我要到最高法院去告你。"
"我也陪你。"
"我还要到地狱去告你。"
"我的代理人会奉陪的。"对方平静的说。
Twin Lobsters
Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress
my Mom. I brought her to Las Vegas for dinner at Caesar's Palace.
Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $45."
"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked. "I know
how much you like lobster."
She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head.
"How do they know they're really twins?"
孪生龙虾
我当演员取得成功后，想在妈妈面前炫耀一番。于是，我带着她到拉斯维加斯的凯撒宫去吃饭。在菜谱中有道菜是"孪生龙虾--45美元。"
"你为什么不点那个呢，妈？"我问道："我知道你很喜欢吃龙虾了。"
她满眼狐疑地看着我，然后摇了摇头。"他们怎么知道它们确实是孪生的呢？"
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She
was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into
a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper
said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch
that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her
cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want
to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture
of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When
the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture
of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
势均力敌
有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她："放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。"
这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。
令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!
The Same Service
A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage
counselor.
"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'd come home
from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around
barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything's
changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my
wife barks at me."
"I don't know what you're complaining about," said the
counselor, "You're still getting the same service."
同样的服务
有位结婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顾问请教。
"新婚时我非常幸福。在市区的商店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗围着我又跑又叫，妻子忙给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。小狗给我叼来拖鞋，妻子对我又喊又叫。"
"我不知道你有什么可抱怨的，"顾问说，"你得到的服务还是同样的嘛。"
I Don't Know Her
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting
on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know
that woman!"
我还不认识她呢
一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。
"你为什么不那么做呢？"妻子说。
"亲爱的，"丈夫回答说，"我还不认识那个女子呢!"
经典幽默故事－童心快语(Classic Humor Stories)
Keep the Change
One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told
my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a
hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases.
The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones
and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the
line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave
me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.
不用找了
有一天天气闷热，我将冰淇淋舀进锥筒，告诉我的四个小孩，他们可以从我这里用拥抱"购买"一筒。于是，孩子们马上排起了队来购买。较小的三个孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓过冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后轮到排在队尾十年的大儿子来"买"冰淇淋时，他拥抱了我二下。"不用找了，"他笑着说。
Persistance
Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door
by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf
game? You or Uncle Richie?"
"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband
hedged. "We just play to have fun."
Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?"
缠住不放
丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。"爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？"
"我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，"丈夫推诿说。"我们打球只是为了好玩而已。"
莎拉毫不气馁，又问："那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？"
Treat
As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was
assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't
come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.
One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost.
I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream
stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's
parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him
to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to
the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked
me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've
lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and
gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?"
asked one of the men.
"An ice-cream cone. Why?"
"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives
only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's
conned for a treat!"
款 待
我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。
一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。
警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。"你请他吃了什么？"一名警察问。
"一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？"
"因为，"那名警察说，"那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！"
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit
down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's
hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something
in it."
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a
headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd
be all right if you had something in it."
模 仿
一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。"来，坐下，吃点点心，"妈妈说，"你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。"
一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。
"你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，"他那聪明的儿子说，"里面装点东西，就会好的。"
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she
said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital
of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God
to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography
exam!"
睡前祷告词
朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。"上帝，求求你，"她说，"让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。"
妈妈打断她的话说："朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？"
朱莉叶回答道："因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。"
I'm Glad
A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of
making others glad. "Now, children," she said, "has
anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"
"Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone
glad yesterday."
Well done. Who was that!"
"My granny."
"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, ad stayed with
her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home.' and
she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"
我很高兴
一个主日学校的教师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。"听着，孩子们，"她说，"你们当中有谁曾让别人高兴过吗？"
"我，教师，"一个小男孩说，"昨天我就使别人高兴过。"
"做得好，是谁呢？"
"我奶奶。"
"好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的？"
"是这样的，教师。昨天我去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我对她说：'奶奶，我要回家了。'她说：'啊，我很高兴。'"
I Taught the Teacher
Mother asked her little boy, "Darling, what did the teacher
teach you today?"
"Nothing, Mum," answered the son proundly, "instead,
she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three."
我教老师
母亲问她年幼的儿子："宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么？"
儿子骄傲地说："什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。"
A Baby Sister
Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?
Johnnie:She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith
had got a new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.
小妹妹
保育员：约翰尼，你难道不喜欢你的小妹妹吗？
约翰尼：那倒不是。她要是个男孩就好了。威利有了一个新生的小妹妹，现在他该认为我又在学他的样子了。
Lucky Mother
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food
when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening,
she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed.
First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but
the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for
some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When
I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread
and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes
and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've
come to live with us now?"
幸运的母亲
一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。
母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，"露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。"
露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说："您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？"
A Problem in Arithmetic
Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study
arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his
book easily.
One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was
a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents."
An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.
"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
"Six for five cents."
"But I don't want six apples."
"How many apples do you want?"
"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem
in arithmetic."
"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the
man.
"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples
are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples
are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple
is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth
nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily
out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise
that he could not say a word.
一个数学问题
比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。
有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着："苹果--五美分六个。"比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。
"苹果怎么卖？"
"五美分六个。"
"但我不想要六个。"
"你想要几个？"
"这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。"
"数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？"
"你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。"
比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。
Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son,
who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors
found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the
boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."
"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm
so happy! But why has it taked this long?"
"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been
okay."
一切都正常
一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了："妈妈，面包烤焦了。"
"你说话了!你说话了!"他母亲叫了起来。"我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？"
"哦，在这之前，"那男孩说，"一切都很正常。"
That's Why
Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he
was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful
and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them.
They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little
older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more
money."
Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never
painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other
half was always empty.
"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else
does that!"
One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to
him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom
half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"
"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes
don't reach very high."
原来如此
吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，"这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。"
吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。
"构思多么巧妙啊!"大家都说，"从来没有人这么做过。"
有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他："请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？"
吉米说，"因为我个头小，够不着上面。"
经典幽默故事－生活空间(Classic Humor Stories)
Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller
to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and
put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave
the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of
it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks
in there!"
臭 鼬
"我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，"打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。"我们怎样才能把它弄出来？"
"弄一些面包屑，"调度员说，"从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。"
一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。"你们将它弄出来了吗？"调度员问。
"没有，"打电话的人答道，"现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。"
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.
They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained
that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he
said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never
happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself
standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling
price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
搞错了
一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。"每人给我五百美元，"他说，"我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。"
"成交!"美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。
"其他人在哪儿？"一名医生问道。
"我离开之前，"那名美国人说，"我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。"
Good News And Bad News
"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer
told his client.
"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client.
"What's it?"
"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be
included in the settlement."
"And the bad news?"
"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."
好消息和坏消息
"有好消息，也有坏消息，"离婚律师告诉他的当事人。
"我总能利用一些好消息吧，"当事人吧了口气说，"是什么好消息？"
"你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。"
"那么坏消息呢？"
"离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。"
Perfect Match
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she
decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase.
Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough
to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the
proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter
becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son.
"Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got
to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."
绝 配
一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。
最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。
多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。"爸，"儿子说，"有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的？"
"儿子，"父亲回答说，"我漆了花瓶。"
Patience
Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't
you try yourself?
Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.
耐 性
垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？
旁观者：我没那耐性。
The World's Greatest Swordsman
At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place
fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his
sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place
man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the
world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on
its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed
his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching
very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."
世界上最伟大的击剑手
在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。
他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。
"你为什么这么高兴？"有人嚷道，"你没击中!"
"啊，"剑手答道，"你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。
Only Once
A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. "I understand your
father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried.
"Yes, he was," the man replied.
"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"
"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look
for Dad."
只有一次
一位驯狮新手正在接受采访。"我知道你的父亲也是个驯狮手，"记者说。
"他过去是。"那人回答说。
"你真的把头伸进过狮子的嘴里吗？"
"只有一次，"那位驯狮新手说，"为了找我爸爸。"
Starstruck
I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted
and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor
Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue.
"Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!" I managed to blurt out.
"Yes," he said, nodding politely, "I know."
追星族
从小时候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前当我在纽约第五大街上认出演员厄内斯特.波格尼向我迎面走过来时，我欣喜若狂，完全不知该说什么好。"怎么，你是厄内斯特.波格尼!"我想法迸出一句话来。
"是的，"他很有礼貌地点了点头，说道："我知道。"
经典幽默故事－军旅趣话(Classic Humor Stories)
Large Uniforms
During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio,
we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms.
Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our
uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms,
however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant
stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some
of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last
man took two steps before his uniform moved."
大制服
在圣安东尼奥的莱克兰空军基地的头三天，我们被从一个地方赶到另一个地方去理发、照相、领制服。回到营房之后，训练指导员让我们穿上制服，在营房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特别大。我们列队的时候，中士和他的副手就站在门边。"我们得将一些人弄回去重新量一下，"他说，"最后那个人走了两步，他的制服才动。"
Quick Reaction
My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position
as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier
needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.
During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile
away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over
there?"
"Yes, sir." he replied.
"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the
soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander
went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"
The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he
said, "but I can hear it is singing."
He got the job.
快速反应
我和连长在面试我们炮兵部队侦察中士一职的候选人。被选的士兵要求有敏锐的观察力及快速的反应力。在一次面试时，连长指着一英里外的一座小山问一名年轻的中士："你能看见那座山吗？"
"是的，长官。"他回答道。
"你能看见那座山上的无线电天线吗？"那士兵又说他能。"那么，"连长接着说："你能看见停在天线上的那只鸟吗？"
那名中士身体前倾，眼睛眯成一条缝。"看不见，长官，"他说，"但我听见它在唱歌。"
他得到了那份工作。
Visual Training
The squad were having "visual training". One smart recruit
was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging
party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men
appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:
"Sexteen men and a
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